Battles

It really shouldn't be this complicated, this parenting gig. Why do little people not just do exactly what we want them to do, without question, without arguing, without backtalk? Why?

Sigh.  I did what every Parenting authority, what every magazine and blog article, what every counselor tells you not to do: I caved.  Rats!  And why?  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I am not as strong-willed as my child.  There, I said it.  A minute little itty thing has blown up to gargantuan proportions, completely out of scale, a total mountain out of a molehill. But it’s there, and it isn’t going away, and one less battle in the mornings would be so much appreciated. Mornings – especially school mornings – just bite.  Bet a number of you know what those types of mornings feel like.  I just can’t get over the absolute bite-iness of weekday mornings. No one enjoys starting their day this way.

Here’s the thing: the ‘thing’ is such a little trivial thing. Or should be, anyway. But it’s not. To me, it’s a big thing: It’s the sport short thing. This is just one of those things. I just really can’t abide by my kid wearing sport shorts to school every day. Not just to school, but every day. They are just so slovenly. For sports, sure. But every day?  No. 

He gave his arguments. I gave mine. Friends, this has been going on now for months. It has gotten to the point where we agree on sport shorts for PE days, and then on the other days, he’d have to wear the other kind … a n y other kind. And then we turned to him saying he was really hoping we could go swimming that day so could he just wear his swim stuff instead of regular clothes, just in case we did get to go? (I have to admit, I thought that was pretty cute. Until I figured out that he was just doing that because swim trunks are pretty much sports clothes. Yeah, pretty clever. The way this child’s mind works… it’s like a tiny little lawyer standing in front of me full of pure logic.)   This clothing battle E V E R Y morning on top of the breakfast battle … I just can’t do it. I’m done. I can’t do this every single morning.  It’s a horrible way to start the day.

And yes, I know, we live in a climate that allows for sport shorts (and, apparently, swim trunks) year round.  I should appreciate that I don’t ALSO have to battle about proper layers and coats and hats.  I just can’t even imagine that series of arguments…

I realize, though, that in the end, I have not made my life easier. This is the sticker, right? This is the reason why all of those in the know say don’t cave: you cave, and then you have just taught child in question (and perhaps those observing, as well) that if you keep at it long enough, if you nag, or whine, or pitch a fit long and loud enough, your parent will give in and you will win. Is it a battle? Isn’t it? I think perhaps it is. Not in a bloody, all-out war sense, but in a life-has-to-be-quasi-orderly sense, it absolutely is. I have my own sense of order (and it so does not involve sport pants every single day), and my son has his. We have to figure out how to meet in the middle, right? Except our middle ended up much closer to his side of the argument so he won.  And I taught him a lesson that sticking to your wants, sticking to your guns, will get you to where you want. When I frame it that way, it seems like a positive teaching moment. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I will feel better about the situation.  Except I don’t because I know what I actually ended up emphasizing is that whining works, and not doing what Mom says is okay, and that the little people in the house get to have more of a say so than they actually should.

Isn’t that something we DO teach our kids, though? Stick to what you want. Get your point across clearly and with your reasoning, and others will see and buy into your ideas. So yay for him, right? Except that his winning in this case means I lose.

Learn from my mistake, friends. Don’t do this the hard way, like I apparently have to.

Maybe what I should have done is give him options to choose from, all of the options that I select.  So he still feels like he is choosing, and I know that what he is choosing from is what I am okay with.  This applies to sport shorts, sure, but also to snacks and activities, and programs of interest.  It gives him a sense of autonomy and ownership – which is important – and I am still in charge.  Definitely this would have been a better plan. Darn it!  I definitely should have done that.  Double rats!

So what’s the lesson here?  The fact is, we do our best as parents to teach our kids to know their mind and to be eloquent (as one can be at whatever age they might be as they stand in front of you and stick unbelievably stubbornly like little mules to their guns) and to stand up for what they want. And then, when what they want is not what we want, do we really have the right to be angry?  This is a bit like our parental teaching moments and prowess biting us in the a$$, methinks.  

Also, this is a very good example of which battles are important, and which are not.  Is it really going to hurt my kid to wear sport shorts every day?  So he will look like a hooligan (okay, probably not). He does have a point that he is one to run and play and get all sweaty so shouldn’t he be wearing sport clothes so he doesn’t ruin the others?  (I’m telling you, a little lawyer!)  Maybe this isn’t quite a win-lose situation so much as a win-kinda’-sorta’-win situation.  But it really does take a lot of will power to not make snotty comments about the shorts. (I did the opposite: this morning I commend the other two boys on their really nice regular shorts. How’s that for passive aggressive?)  

Also, are there other parents that are going to judge me because my kid is wearing sport shorts every day? Yeah, I went there. I shouldn't care. I mostly don't. And if they are (I keep telling myself), then they aren't doing this parenting thing as whole-heartedly as I am. Right? Ok, now I'm being the judgy one. This could turn into a horrible swirling vortex so I am going to stop while I am (mostly) ahead.

Are the experts correct?  Maybe.  

Is my kid correct?  Maybe.

Am I?  Maybe.

What I know for absolute certain is that clothes are probably the least of the battles I will endure with my kiddos throughout our journey together. And I will have a different battle on my hands about some other non-issue next week so I will just chalk this up to a quasi-lesson learned and go on my way.