Uh oh, another B word we don't like to use.
What exactly is a spoiled child? Do you have one? Ask yourself honestly, and also know that you can help stop that entitled behavior. Listen, spoiling your kids is not the same thing as loving too much. There is never a limit to how much love you have and show your kids. This does not contribute to that sense of entitlement. But there is a possibility that if your way of showing love to your child is equal to tending to their every wish and need without teaching them there are limits, and that they can do and work towards things themselves, then your kids are more likely to be entitled.
Let's look at a couple of phrases you may hear coming from a parent who is enabling spoiled or entitled behavior in their kids, and see why these phrases might have that effect.
1. I've told you to do (or not do) that 12 times already! You are the parent here. If you allow a direction given to your child to be repeated 12 times before it is adhered to, then you may as well not give the directive at all. By telling them this phrase, you are also reiterating that they do not actually have to listen to you nor do they have to do what you say. Remember: you are in charge. You are the parent. Your child is not your friend. If you tell your child to do something, your child should listen.
2. I'll give this to you now, but you have to promise to behave. Now is now. You are giving the reward now. Why should they work to earn the reward if they already have it?
3. Ok, fine. Just this once. This relenting teaches your kid that if they push hard enough, if they nag, if they pester, you will give in. It's ok for them to push a little, and it's ok for you to explain your position briefly, but more often than not, by not giving in, you are teaching your child a very valuable lesson of managing disappointment. It's far better to respond with "I've heard you. I've thought about it. The answer is still no." When we reinforce the manipulative tactics such as repeatedly whining or nagging to get something, we are encouraging entitled behaviors.
4. If you are good, I will get you a treat. The underlying message here is one that encourages good behavior only when the child gets something in return. Instead, it is far better to use natural consequences and positive reinforcement. "So proud of you for working hard, staying focused and finishing your homework. Now we have time to play outside before dinner!"
5. It's ok, you don't have to share. Let me get another ball/toy/item for your friend. Letting kids learn the lessons of give and take as part of sharing and interacting with other kids is a valuable part of a life-long success skill. Sharing and taking turns are important for regular social interactions through every age, through most social interactions; without learning these valuable skills early on, without helping your kids understand that they can't get all of the time, sometimes they also have to give, you are starting a lesson instead that focuses on learning self-centeredness.
The good news is spoiled kids are made, not born. There is no "spoiled" gene; this is a learned behavior, reinforced by permissive parents. Un-spoiling is doable. Likely, the unspoiling will include crying and your child will be upset. Again, you are the parent. You need to hold your limit, manage and convey your expectations and know that your child can indeed handle your limit.
What else can you do?
Just like simple phrases and interactions teach entitled behavior, the same can reinforce more positive messages.
1. Help your child realize that giving is better than receiving.
2. Help them understand that WHO you are is more important than WHAT you own.
3. Practice gratitude as a family. Give thanks at the dinner table or before bedtime, especially for nonmaterial things.
4. Help your child to be considerate of others. Less "me" and more "we". Help them to consider others' feelings and reactions. "How do you think____ might feel because of that?" "Do you think your friend might like _____?" "Ask your friend what he would like to play." Reinforce community and kindness.
5. Help your kids appreciate the little things in life. Being outside on a beautiful sunny day, or spending quality time with family and friends. The way it feels to laugh with loved ones. Spending time playing with a pet. These are all small positives that weave into a more giving and outward focused life.
A couple of adjustments in your own reactions to check:
1. Encourage autonomy. Do not do for your kids what they can do for themselves. Teach and model for them the proper way to do something, but let them do it for themselves. And yes, it will take longer and not be done as well as you would like. They will learn.
2. Set boundaries and enforce them consistently. Agree on these boundaries with your parenting partner. Do not let your kid conquer and divide.
3. Give them responsibilities at home. Include and encourage "when-then" routines. "When the dog is walked, then you can go see if your friend wants to play." "When you've cleaned your room, then you can read your book." These "thens" are not rewards but regular activities. And no rewards for everyday tasks. Rewards are earned by hard work and effort, not just for simple daily tasks like brushing one's teeth.
4. Don't rescue your child from mistakes or setbacks. Don't save the day. Let them fail. Let them experience discomfort. They need to learn the valuable lesson of sitting in that discomfort and disappointment, and moving past it.
5. Your child will get mad at you. Accept it. It is ok, and normal. Remember, your child is not your friend. Also remember that it is okay for them to be disappointed and even sad or mad, but it is not okay for them to be disrespectful. Give them the space to express their feelings and frustrations, but they may not be rude or disrespectful.
6. Reinforce community and kindness.
Finally, remember that kids respond so much more positively to encouragement than they do to punishment. Shame is not a reinforcer. If you want your child to meet your expectations, consider what kind of support they need to meet those expectations and what you can do, as their chief champion, to help them achieve that.
You'll both be happier together when it happens.
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